Gross Traditional Edibles
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| Rick gets "up close and personal" with his herring while filming his shows in Europe. |
For many travelers, Europe's biggest draw is the exciting cuisine: fresh pasta, pesto, and gelato in Italy; lovingly prepared fine French cuisine; a properly drawn Guinness in an Irish pub; or a hearty, steaming Swiss Rösti with bratwurst at 10,000 feet. But not all of the new tastes we discover in Europe are quite so appetizing. Here are some accounts of traditional European foods that our readers wish they could forget, distilled from a 40-page collection of tips submitted to our online Graffiti Wall.
Foot in Mouth
It may seem tame, but beware of chicken soup in Budapest, Hungary. It came as one big pot for the table, and consisted of a nearly whole chicken. (I don't think the head made it in.) I was trying to discreetly eat around the unidentified organs floating in it (hey, I don't like the gizzards) when I spooned up a foot. Our hosts all smiled — it's good luck to get a foot in your bowl. I was expected to suck the skin off the toes, but I just couldn't. My Dad saved face for the family and ate it. Ugh.
Irn-Brutal
The thing I remember most vividly about the Scottish drink Irn-Bru (aside from the radioactive traffic cone color and orange-bubblegum taste) is the warning on the label: "If it spills, it will stain." Irn-Bru is like Big Red from hell. Were I not far too suave and debonair, I'd have spit my big, thirsty, curious gulp of the inexplicably number-one-selling soda all over Edinburgh. Nonetheless, it's a memory I'll never lose. Unfortunately.
Hefty Celery Increase
The last time I stayed in an Austrian hotel, I chose the vegetarian option for dinner — baked celery. I don't know if it's local to Austria, but it must be. I don't know of anywhere else on Earth where celery is as thick as the palm of my hand. Maybe it grew in the fields next to the nuclear power plant we passed by. Either way, I was too weirded out to eat it.
Sole Food
Marmite [a sticky yeast spread] in Great Britain must be an acquired taste because, to me, it tasted like I was licking the bottom of a shoe.
Fried Mars in Pan
If you go into a fish-and-chips shop in most parts of Scotland, you'll find they deep-fry an unusual number of things. They'll take already-cooked pizza and drop it into the fat fryer. The crowning glory has to be the deep-fried Mars candy bar. I'm not making this up.
Hot Legs
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the "Pulpo de Gallega" from Spain yet! It is sliced octopus legs, fried and seasoned — I'm so glad I suspended my vegetarianism to try it. Strangely enough, it has the texture of dark turkey meat, and tastes vaguely of bacon. The suction cups are fully cooked, and not even slightly slimy. One warning, though: it is quite rich and a bit greasy, so plan on sharing your pincho worth of pulpo!
Ploughman's Sweat Socks
In Frankfurt, I tried Handkase, a small wheel of cheese that has been pickled in vinegar and is served with rye bread and sliced onions. It's the German version of ploughman's lunch. My boyfriend's uncle tried to warn me away from it, but I really wanted to give it a shot. It was interesting how the flavor changed with each chew, going from mildly funky provolone flavor to full-on moldy sweatsock. I'm glad I had it once, and once was enough!
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| "Laddie, if it's been cooked, it's nay longer fresh." |
Jaws' Revenge
Iceland has a favorite treat called "buried" or "rotted" shark, which is exactly what the name says. It is buried raw, and after several years dug up and eaten with a violent drink called Black Death. This supposedly numbs one to the odor of the shark. It's usually still frozen when they serve it. The waiter told us, "it has to be — or it will stink up the kitchen."
The Olde Clan McMuffin
How about good old Scotch Eggs? My auntie served these to me when we visited her in Colchester, England a few years back. Hard-boiled egg, wrapped in sausage, deep fried, sliced, and served COLD. My fiancé calls them "medieval Egg McMuffins."
Wet and Wild
Here's a gross edible that I find quite tasty: eating a whole apple-sized mozzarella ball from an Italian grocery store. It's wet and squishy — pretty refreshing if you don't want to have ice cream.
Type O in a Bowl
God bless the Irish people, but their blood pudding and white-and-black pudding were so hair-raisingly gross that I couldn't believe anyone ever acquired a taste for them.
Haggis Heaven
My husband and I couldn't leave Scotland without at least trying haggis. We were in a portside cafe on the Isle of Mull which offered haggis as an appetizer, so we figured we'd order one portion to share. The aroma reached us before the plate did. We looked at each other across the table in shock, broke into huge grins, and simultaneously exclaimed, "Chopped liver!" (If you're not Jewish, let me explain that chopped chicken liver is a traditional, much-loved Jewish dish.) When the waitress saw with what delight we fell upon the haggis (we immediately ordered a second portion!), she said (in a heavy Scots accent), "Ah, ye must have it the Scots way, wi' a wee dram!" and she dribbled a little Scotch over the haggis.
Frites Show
The idea of French fries and mayonnaise grew on me after two trips to Amsterdam and Belgium. The mayo is usually different from the bland, Hellmann's-type mayo in the States — it's more flavorful, usually with some garlic; and sometimes they have various wild flavors. A stand in Bruges offered frites with a selection of about eight different sauces, including Indian curry and "American BBQ"-style sauce. It's not bad.
Turns Your Stomach, Then Fixes It
When in Finland, be sure to try the salmiakki! This salty licorice is a favorite of Finns. I couldn't stand the stuff, but my host family got a huge kick out of my facial expressions each time I tried it! It was explained to me that this salty licorice became popular as a candy during WW II when sugar was unavailable. Salmiakki also has a very good use other than as a sweet: the salmiak salts in it make a good mild antacid. Try popping a small amount into your mouth and letting it dissolve after sampling too much of your other foreign delights!
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| Is it a fish? Is it a snake? NO! It's weird European food! |
You Taste It…It Tastes You
After a day of driving and sightseeing in the French countryside, my wife — who is not very food-adventurous — and I stopped to eat. Her mastery of the French language failed her and she ordered cow tongue. Not bad with a bottle of Côtes du Rhône.
One Born Every Minute
Schneeballen in Rothenburg, Germany! You think the clerk placed a fresh one in your bag, but when you bite into it you'd swear you were eating the one that had been sitting in the window for two weeks.
Don't Let the Bread Blood's Blight
I always learn the appropriate translation for "blood sausage" — Blutwurst in Germany, morcilla in Spain. I still got stuck with it in Spain, unfortunately, because my tablemate translated the menu entry as a "special dish of Alhambra" — blood sausage chunks on a bed of bread crumbs. Even the stray cat wouldn't touch it.
Wholly Mackerel
At Augustinerbrau in Munich, I saw the most unusual-looking food: mackerel on a stick. Called Steckelfisch, it was the entire fish (head, eyes, and all), on a stick, like some weird charred popsicle roasting over a fire. Definitely not for the faint of heart. While sitting in a beer tent, a local man who had this fish sat next to us. He insisted we share it with him. We had consumed a liter or so of good German beer, and not wanting to be rude Americans, we sampled it — and it was the best tasting fish, clean white meat, not fishy at all! Who knew it could be so good?
Arthroscopic Lunch
In most traditional Czech restaurants, the specialty of the house is "Knee of Pork" (a.k.a. pork knuckle). It is a huge monstrosity with very little meat, but it comes served with a foot-long fork and knife protruding out of the middle! Last time I ordered it, the two tables around me placed an order as well, since it looked so impressive. Like all Czech food, it comes with kraut. Enjoy!
Moscow Mystery
In Moscow, most everything is in the original Russian language with Cyrillic lettering. When a translation is provided, it's often not very helpful. We dined at a restaurant with a menu featuring "Meat assembly," "Steak marsupial," and "Chicken entrails." Yum. A motley string quartet played "Strangers in the Night," which made it all seem right.
Praise the Lard
When in northern Germany, we splurged for a nice dinner in the German equivalent of a "supper club." The free appetizer came, with those little rye bread slices. The waiter said, "It's a local specialty. It's better with salt." Being from Wisconsin, I thought it was a cheese dip with nuts. I spread it on the bread, salted it, and tried a bite. It reminded me of something... After the second bite, I suddenly thought of bacon grease, and remembered stories my German teacher told about Schmalz. "My God!" I said to my husband, "It's LARD!" and dropped my piece. "Pretty good," he returned, and proceeded to finish the whole thing.
Stud Muffins
We had to catch a train in Lyon so we stopped for a quick bite at a French fast-food place called Quickie. Only afterwards did we discover our seemingly innocent hamburgers were made out of horsemeat! I've been told it has a sweeter, more stringy texture than beef, but under the ketchup, pickles, and cheese, it was hard to tell the difference.
Mud Stuffins
Many years ago, on a flight on Alisarda Airlines (the airline of Sardinia), I was served a dish of unknown origin. It was jet black, waxy (looked as if it was a can of black Kiwi shoe polish dumped on a plate and chopped up), and served at room temperature. It had no discernable taste. Wasn't good enough to eat (or enjoy), wasn't bad enough to gag, just kinda wasn't anything.
Rare Breed
There are restaurants in France where "steak tartare cheval" is served. Yup, raw horsemeat. But seeing cheval on a French menu does not always mean horse. Usually when a French dish is topped with an egg, it's called á cheval (on horseback).
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Thoughts for Food
On our recent trip to Turkey, our driver/guide tried to point out local specialties. In Kars, in eastern Turkey, it turned out to be what looked to be dried skulls — in fact, they were precooked sheep heads lined up on the counter as you entered the cafe. He and I split one — literally. The waiter took our selection to the kitchen, split it in half and rearranged the contents. Made a lovely appetizer in itself, with varying tastes and textures (eyeball was excluded). Brains a bit salty, and texture of scrambled eggs; tongue and cheeks very good.
Kelp Yourself
Not to be outdone by the Scots, the Welsh have some peculiar traditional foods. Alas, I don't remember the Welsh name (probably something like Llthwddgyn), but my companion bought what turned out to be a jar of limp, briney, just-a-touch-rubbery seaweed. Nothing else. I love the crispy stuff on sushi, but this "delicacy" belonged on the dubious dinner plates in the Calvin and Hobbes comics.
Pucker Up
Cynar — Italian artichoke bitters. I am a fan of bitters in general; Angostura is a standby, and Peychaud and Orange are delightfully exotic, but Cygnar is the most BITTER and SOUR thing I have ever tasted. It makes Campari taste like Sloe Gin.
Plasma Bars
While living in Spain a few years ago I observed bowls of what appeared to be blood-colored Knox blocks in a number of tapas bars. It turned out to be just that — congealed blood. I have eaten (and enjoyed in varying degrees) everything from raw octopus to "innards" soup that looked like liquefied liverwurst, but here I had to draw the line.
Think Finn
I'm still trying to figure out what I snacked on in the Helsinki marketplace. I followed an intoxicating smell to a little stand where a woman was frying a mass of small, thin, gray…somethings. Today I assume these things were some sort of fish or their components. Anyway, they were delicious, whatever they were. The woman didn't know the English word for this mystery food, but the Finns were walking around, munching on it like popcorn. Maybe it's better that I don't know what it was.
Lutefisterine
I have traveled far and wide, and found many interesting things for my palate. But, as a Scandinavian, I was without words after my first taste of a White Castle hamburger (referred to as a 'slider') during my first visit to the U.S. I think I need some lutefisk to cleanse my tastebuds.
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